There Is No Santa!
by Alba Aulbath
Summary: Felicia holds a Christmas party, and EVERYONE is invited. Can Q-Bee figure out how to read other languages, can Rikuo keep warm, and does Santa exist?


**Disclaimers and Useless/Useful Stuff To Know:**

I don't own Darkstalkers; CAPCOM does. Wish I did, 'cuz a lotta of the guys don't get much recognition. This is just another random fic of wackiness. Wonder if I'll ever bother to write a serious one? Going by a few things here: 

Jon Talbain and Felicia like each other in that way, but haven't admitted it like all angsty people.   
Felicia does NOT want to eat Rikuo (where do people get this stuff? c.c; Rik's poisonous!)   
Everyone is alive (just for more kicks.)   
Morrigan and Demitri have a relationship, and it's probably not very healthy. 

-=-=-   
**"There Is No Santa!"**   
by Alba Aulbath   
-=-=-   


"Felicia," Jon began. 

"Uh-huh?" 

"Just how many people did you invite?" 

Felicia smiled brightly. "I invited everyone! Isn't that great?!" 

"I was wondering why Anakaris was here," Lilith said cheerfully as she came up to Felicia, drinking some eggnog. "Great party here, Felicia!" 

The catwoman purred. "Thanks, Lilith." 

"Although we did have to cut off some of the doorway just to have him fit," Jon muttered. 

"Yeah; speaking of which, I wonder how much Lord Raptor's foot is aching from cutting through the steel wall," Felicia muttered a little. "Anyway, Rikuo should be here any min--" 

Before she could finish the sentence, a green blur ran by with a shriek of "OHMYGODIT'SFUCKINGFREEZINGOUTMYSKINISCOVEREDINFROSTAAAAAHHHH!" and hot water was suddenly running in the bathtub upstairs. 

Jon raised an eyebrow. "Maybe we should have had Sasquatch pick him up; Rikuo isn't used to freezing conditions. He lives in the rainforest, after all." 

Felicia sweatdropped. "I just realized something. Maybe I shouldn't have invited Pyron and Jedah, too..." 

"You invited JEDAH?!" Lilith suddenly growled. 

"Well, um... I didn't want anyone to be left out... Oh, gosh. Now Rikuo's gonna fight with Pyron AND Jedah..." 

Just then, a female choir sung in Latin as a familiar man in a trenchcoat entered the room with a flaming figure behind him. Jedah nodded to the other Darkstalkers. "Good evening." 

Felicia smiled, just like she did at any other time. "Merry Christmas, Jedah! Pyron! Is everyone here?" 

"Not yet. B.B.Hood and Q-Bee aren't here," Lilith mentioned. "Not sure if Huitzil and Cecil are here yet." 

"Yeah, they are. I didn't know Huitzil had a built-in oven with him," Jon announced. 

Felicia scratched the back of her head. "Huh. Wonder why they're not here yet..." 

"Well, naturally Q-Bee would be busy. Royalty tends to be," Rikuo told her as he came back down, looking like he wasn't freezing his fins off just a moment ago. He stared at Pyron and Jedah coldly, and started to mutter about why on Earth couldn't gods just leave him alone. Pyron grinned evilly at him. Rikuo cleared his throat and TRIED his best to ignore the flaming man (yeah right) and Jedah (yeah right again.) "B.B.Hood's probably doing last minute Christmas shopping or something. Or to get Jon something extra special." 

Jon sighed. "Oh, goody." 

"Uhhh... Miss Felicia?" a boy squeaked at the room. 

"Yeah, Cecil?" 

The boy squirmed. "Uhhh... Huitzil has an oven, but it doesn't mean he knows how to cook, and neither do I so... we kinda accidently burnt the turkey..." 

"Is it edible at least?" Felicia asked hopefully. 

"If you Darkstalkers can eat charcoal..." 

Felicia sighed disappointingly. "Maybe we can have fish." 

Rikuo glared. 

"Or maybe not." 

Pyron chuckled, "I don't know. I wouldn't mind a fish roast. Big enough for the whole cast. I hear blowfish are quite tastey, and if you find the right spot you can get rid of the poison." 

Rikuo started to sweat, not as enthusiastic as Felicia who shouted, "Really?!" 

"Oh, yes. Maybe if you go look in your cookbooks you can find the recipee for it. Nice, tastey..." 

Rikuo looked greener than usual. 

"...Juicy, buttery..." 

Rikuo then took this time to run back to the bathroom. 

Pyron looked satisfied and left to go check out the house. Jedah raised a brow, then shook his head, "This will be an interesting night."   


-=-=-   


A few minutes later, Rikuo was done with the ritual known as "tossing his cookies," Q-Bee had arrived, and so had B.B.Hood. The Little Red Riding Hood clone had offered to cook, but thoroughly not trusting her Jon said no. After a little arguing, somehow the choice came down to Donovan, Bishamon, and Victor, probably because Donovan was too silent to really argue the matter, Bishamon enjoyed the idea of slashing things, and Victor was horrified at the idea of spending his time with the others. Then... 

"Christmas games time!" Felicia shouted delightfully. 

The men groaned, the women giggled with jolly. Felicia ordered up everyone to sit in a circle, then she plopped down next to Jon (who didn't see that coming?) and Lord Raptor. 

"The rules are," she began, "that when someone sings a verse of a song, then next person continues. If you don't know the words, improvise! It has to be a Christmas song. I'll start, then Raptor can go, the next person, blah blah blah. Here we go!" She cleared her throat, then started with two simple words: "Jingle bells!" 

The ghoul grinned (doesn't he always?) evilly at the merman next to him. "Fishman smells!" 

Rikuo crossed his arms, looking unamused as he eyed at Anakaris, who was next to him. (Why the heck did Felicia choose this seating order I don't know...) So, he sang: "Undead really suck." Then all blue-skinned and other beings of the underworld proceeded to give death glares to the merman, who seemed quite happy to annoy them. 

Anakaris then bellowed out: "The world is mine!" 

"You'll all fry!" Pyron cackled. 

"I need a nice, good f--" Demitri began before Morrigan smacked him. 

"Jingle bells," Morrigan tried to pick up, not in a mood to come up with lyrics of her own. 

"Need some gel," Hsien-Ko noted as she looked in a mirror to admire her anti-gravity hair that most anime characters hold. 

"That was out of place," Mei-Ling stated. 

Q-Bee buzzed, "Got some honey?" 

"Bananas?" Sasquatched asked as well. 

"Hey, wolfie! Want a taste?" B.B.Hood giggled as she offered a cupcake to Jon, who just glared. 

Jedah didn't see the point of this. "Get me outta here," he muttered. 

"Do I really have to sing?" Anita sighed. 

"Who ya gonna fear?" Lilith grinned. 

"Hsien-Ko and Mei-Ling!" Rikuo answered as he ran by, the twins chasing him for the "undead really suck" remark earlier. 

"Does not compute," Huitzil beeped at the song. 

"The turkey got burnt," Cecil sniffed as he held up the black thing that was once a bird meant to be eaten. 

"Jon thinks Felicia's very cute!" the authoress sang out of no where. 

"Guess who I'm gonna hurt?" Jon growled at the booming voice. 

Felicia sighed and shook her head as over half the Darkstalkers ran amuck to try to kill each other from their rather harsh words at each other during the song. That didn't work. 

Lilith floated over and patted Felicia on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. We'll try some other stuff!"   


-=-=-   


"Next up, we'll put up some decorations!" Felicia said cheerily. 

Looking around for a moment, Jedah stated, "Don't you have enough?" 

"Well, I didn't put out the stockings yet and lights aren't outside and stuff. Besides, we need to stick our presents under the tree! Now, who'll put the lights out?" 

Pyron grinned, "Oh, I'm sure the merman would be more than happy to--" 

"I WILL NOT GO OUT THERE!" Rikuo snapped. 

Lilith smiled a little too sadistically. "Well, since it's so cold out, why don't you AND Rikuo go out? You can keep him warm, Pyron." 

"What a really good idea!" Felicia squeeled. 

"For the last time, I'm NOT going out--" 

*BOOT* 

"Well, you didn't need to kick us out there!" Pyron grumped as the door slammed shut. 

"God damn it all. It's locked," Rikuo grumbled as he yanked on the door. 

"Can't we just blast it down?" 

"And face Jon and/or Felicia's wrath afterwards? No thanks." 

Pyron crossed his arms. "And just how the heck do we hang up the lights? We don't even HAVE them." 

Just then, a long roll of lights were thrown in the flaming alien's face and the door slammed shut again. 

"Okay, nevermind then. Let's get this over with."   


-=-=-   


B.B.Hood scratched her head as she stared at the fireplace as she and Lilith attempted to put up the stockings. However, since there was a large number of Darkstalkers in the house, there was no way that there'd be enough room for everyone. They didn't even have HALF the names up. "What do we do?" Felicia asked as she came to stare at the fireplace. 

Lilith smiled, having a solution. "We need a bigger fireplace! Hey, Anakaris! Make some stones for us!" 

Felicia sweatdropped. "I need eggnog." With that, she bounded off. Besides, checking up on how Bishamon, Victor, and Donovan were handling with the food wasn't a bad idea. 

"GYAHAHAHAHAAA!" Bishamon cackled as he slashed madly at the various veggies and other food placed before him. It was a dangerous thing to decide to stick your finger or arm there. 

Lord Raptor did just that; he stuck his arm there. 

"OW! Someone get the krazy glue!" the ghoul shouted, mildly miffed. He then noted that Victor was putting all things chopped up by Bishamon, including his arm, in a large boiling pot meant for stew. "HEY! Don't put my arm in the pot! I need that! I warning you! I'll bleed all over you!" he threatened. 

"Silence. I'm concentrating here," Donovan calmly told rocker. 

Felicia felt that ulser arriving as she took out some eggnog and poured herself a glass, then downed it quickly. Hm; it tasted a little different than usual. Oh well; she liked it. Poured, downed another glass. Poured, downed, and the pattern continued.   


-=-=-   


"There! Done," Hsien-Ko said happily. "All the presents are under the tree." 

"Noticed there aren't a whole lot," Mei-Ling noted. Well, she could speak for herself. She got presents for Donovan, Anita, Hsien-Ko, Jon, Sasquatch, Felicia and Rikuo since they were the only reasonably friendly ones. Yeah, sure, Rikuo, Donovan, and Sasquatch could get out of hand, but really... 

"Ah, there'll be more when Santa comes," B.B.Hood said merrily. "Don't worry!" 

Morrigan chuckled. "Foolishness. He doesn't exist." 

"Yeah, right," Lilith growled. "He does so!" 

"There is no spoon!" Hsien-Ko said. "I mean, Santa!" 

"Wait, wait. Sasquatch lives closest to the North; he can tell us," Mei-Ling reminded. "How about it, Sasquatch?" 

"Um, I dunno... I live in Canada, not Arctica!" Sasquatch replied, not wanting to be in the conversation. 

"Huitzil, is there a Santa?" Cecil asked his robot pal innocently. 

"Does not compute. No Santa Claus in datafiles." 

"He's only filled with datafiles on Darkstalkers, and I don't think Santa is one," Jedah reminded. 

"THERE IS NO SANTA! End of story!" Demitri growled. 

*taptaptaptaptap* 

"And knock off that tapping!" Demitri glared at Jedah. 

"It wasn't me!" the messiah defended himself. 

*taptaptaptaptap* 

"Whoever's tapping the door, knock it off," Demitri said in a threatening voice.   


-=-=-   


"Damn it, they're not answering!" Rikuo sighed. 

"I told you to just blast down the door. Move aside, merman," Pyron ordered. The aquatic Darkstalker muttered before stepping away from the door. Thus, Pyron fried the door, kicked it down, and glared around at the room. "Who didn't let me in?!" 

"Us. Who didn't let US in," Rikuo reminded that he still existed, hopping in after the flaming alien. 

"Whatever. Who didn't let us in?!" 

Everyone just pointed at each other. 

"Hell with it. Merman, flood the the room." 

"Who made you the ruler of ME?!" 

"JUST DO IT!" 

"Why don't you fry them?!" 

Then, Pyron and Rikuo found themselves being screamed at by a very angry werewolf. "Why the hell did you do that?! You could have knocked! Or yelled! OR SOMETHING!" 

"Burning down the door was something," Pyron pointed out. 

"ANYTHING BUT THAT!" 

Just then, Jon was being hugged by a swaying Felicia, who hiccuped. "Jon," she slurred. "Don't be maaad... washn't Rikki'sh and Py... Puh... wot'sh yer name 'gain?" 

"What's she been drinking?" Mei-Ling wondered out loud. 

"I want some!" Lilith piped up. 

"Eggnog. Ti'sh good shtuff," Felicia hiccuped, clinging to Jon's arm who was somehow blushing through all that fur. "Hey! Let'sh go outside and see how Pyroh...Pah... Flamey an' Rikki did." She swayed, dragging Jon behind him and walked into the wall. She giggled. "Oopsh." Then she managed to find the door and walk out to see the light show. 

Jon then decided that Felicia should never have eggnog anymore. 

"I'll go get the others," Anita muttered, walking to the kitchen. 

The remaining in the room went outside, even the two who had done the job just so they could admire their handywork. Donovan, Lord Raptor (who still was trying to get his arm back), Bishamon, Victor, and Anita eventually got outside. Everyone sweatdropped. 

Rikuo and Pyron had done a fine job in the art of "wrapping the house horizontally over and over with lights" so it now looked like just a bundle of different glowing colors as if one was off their rocker. Just about everyone was yelling along the lines of "AAAAAAGH! MY EYYYYES!" 

"Purdy," Felicia hiccuped. She kissed Jon and waved. "G'nite. Hur hur hur." Thus, she passed out. So did Jon, from shock of being kissed. 

"Wuss," Rikuo remarked, then crossed his arms. "And I thought we did a good job!" 

"I know. Jeez, they cry over a little eyesight loss," Pyron sighed and stomped back inside with the merman right behind him.   


-=-=-   


The cooks went back to cooking, Jon made sure to keep the eggnog from Felicia, and Rikuo and Pyron were scolded by some for wrapping the house entirely with lights, which caused several car crashes outside. 

While the crashes occured and flames burst, Lord Raptor had gotten his arm back (finally) and got himself some corn, sticking in a pot and holding it over the flames, cackling all the way. The Chinese Twins and a few others joined him, although Rikuo and Pyron especially made sure that they stayed inside. 

Finally, Bishamon made a flashy entrance, slicing down the newly propped up door and landed outside where there was a small gathering of munching on popcorn and he laughed evilly before enthusiastically shouting, "Dinner is ready!!" 

Gathering around a very, very, very, very, very *GASP* very, very large table with too many kinds of food (roasted turkey, Chinese, burgers, pizza, classical feast) and several Darkstalkers gathered. Felicia looked incredibly satisfied, "Now, we pray before we eat." 

"Um... to who? We all serve several different deities," Lilith pointed out. "Or none at all." 

"Uh... to... to... Santa Claus!" Felicia stammered out. 

Demitri grumbled. "Do I have to go through this again?! There is no Santa!" 

"You can't prove it!" B.B.Hood was first to argue. 

"You cannot prove that he exists, either," Donovan said. Anita gave him a dirty look, surprised that he was taking Demitri's side of the argument. 

"How 'bout this? We just eat the damn food!" Lord Raptor shouted, getting impatient. 

"I second that action," Rikuo strangely agreed. "CHARRRRGE!" 

Due to the fact that Rikuo and Lord Raptor agreed on something, the world imploded. However, thanks to a Christmas Miracle they all lived and were able to enjoy their feast. 

And so the battle of wits, brawn, and food began among the Darkstalkers. Food, silverware, and plates went flying. Jedah and Q-Bee partnered up and fought against Lord Raptor and Hsien-Ko for the turkey, chucking anything they didn't need/want at each other. Huitzil flung everyone away from whoever got too close to Cecil's food. B.B.Hood shot out gumdrops from a small plastic gun at everyone, screaming a battle cry as she lept for the pies. Bishamon and Donovan fenced with breadsticks, attempting to get at the pork roast. Rikuo flung cups of water at Pyron as the two argued over various small foods (potatoes, rice, etc.). Felicia and Jon worked together against Sasquatch and Mei-Ling as they battled for the Chinese. 

Overall, a terrifying battlefield. 

In the end, no one ended up victorious nor the loser. Everyone had eaten, but they were horribly worn out from fighting each other. The only ones standing had to be Cecil and Huitzil, since Huitzil had no need to eat and he did the fighting, whereas Cecil ate and didn't bother to move from his spot. 

"Ugh," Morrigan ughed. 

"Damn, that food was great. Sweet cooking," Lord Raptor complimented. This round, he HAD to be honest. 

"Can't... move..." Sasquatch grunted out. 

In a matter of seconds, the Darkstalkers were asleep on the floor.   


-=-=-   


In the middle of the night, I was walkin' in my sleep. 

But that's another story. 

Here, Rikuo woke up and quickly dragged himself to the bathroom for his need to be moist, which unfortunately led to him bumping into Demitri and waking the vampire up. 

Swearing revenge on the merman for disturbing his slumber, Demitri stood up and figured he'd get a semi-fresh glass of blood. He started for the kitchen, only to pause at the sound of jingles. He snorted a bit, figuring it was nothing and that he was still half-asleep, and nabbed himself a glass of warm blood (yum yum for the tum) before heading back for the living room, stepping over occasional twitching and sleeping bodies. 

Then something big and red forced its way down the chimney. 

Demitri stared, "Who the hell are you?" 

"Ho ho ho!" 

"Oh, god. Not Naga the White Serpent," groaned the vampire. 

The big guy in red blinked in confusion. "What?" 

"Kodachi Kuno, then?" 

"No ho ho! I am Santa Claus!" 

Demitri rolled his glowing eyes. "Yeah, right. And I'm a blood doner." 

The self-proclaimed jolly ol' St. Nick opened a bag of presents. "Poor Demitri. Why have you lost your Christmas spirit? Whatever happened to the anxious wait of my arrival, your love for your friends, your compassion--" 

"Never had it. Now give me your presents," Demitri demanded, opening the door, throwing Santa out, and pouring out the presents to under the tree. He kept the bag for himself. Never know when you need a bag. 

Then the morning came. Demitri got his sleep eventually, ignoring the angry 'ho ho hos' and jingles throughout the rest of the night. He made sure the shades were down as to keep from possible sunlight from peeking into the entire household. 

"Yay! We got more presents! There IS a Santa!" Felicia cheered. 

"Open time!" B.B.Hood and Lilith also yayed. 

From Santa Claus, they all received coal. 

Jon sweatdropped a bit as he read the note with the coal, "For denial of your true feelings. Keep warm." 

"For attempting to rule/destroy the universe and hurting countless other people for it. Keep warm," Pyron read, then made a face. "What an idiot. I'm freaking fire!" 

Sasquatch scratched his head. "For fighting Jedah because you thought your friends were captured. Keep warm." 

"For attempting to destroy all humanity and others for tranquility. Keep warm," Jedah said flatly. 

"For keeping your own body. Keep warm," Morrigan read, unamused. 

"For making an unhealthy relationship, destroying many for your own ambitions, going behind Morrigan's back, and throwing me out of the house. Keep warm," Demitri muttered. 

Felicia looked at Demitri, gaping. "You threw Santa out of the house?!" 

"There IS no Santa. It was just some fat guy in red clothing," the vampire denied. 

"You went behind my back?" Morrigan growled. 

"Well, uh..." 

As usual, the two Darkstalkers got into a fight. 

Rikuo grumbled, "For blinding people's eyes with Christmas lights and almost making the world implode. Keep warm. Wait, when did I ever make the world implode?!" 

"For eating souls, blah blah... Hey! I never made the world implode either!" Lord Raptor complained. 

"For hurting other people carelessly to get your own body," Lilith read with groan. 

"For hunting innocent people. What's so innocent about you guys? You got coal, too!" B.B.Hood whined. 

"I have received the same thing," Donovan replied. 

Anita frowned at her note slightly. "For destroying the gift I gave you. It wasn't MY fault; Donovan cut off the head." 

"For destroying someone's dream for your own ambitions," Q-Bee buzzed, annoyed. 

"For attempting to take over the world when you know you suck ass. Jeez, who died and made this guy rule over who's naughty and nice?" Anakaris growled. 

"For shouting stupid crap like 'slash', 'blood', or anything else," Rikuo read outloud for Bishamon before he chopped up the note. 

"For trying to talk to a corpse," Victor murmured embarrassingly. 

All eyes turned to Felicia. "Why'd you get coal?" Jon asked. 

"Umm..." the catwoman fidgeted. "F-for... for stealing candy from a baby." She burst out crying. "I COULDN'T HELP IT! It was right there, no one was around, and-and... AW GAWD! WAHHH!" 

Jon patted her on the back. "It's okay. C'mon, let's open the other presents." 

She sniffled, "Okay... someone better pass them around." 

Q-Bee hovered over to the presents, then immediately frowned as she held up a package, "I can't read this! It's completely in Spanish!" 

"That's for you," Rikuo said flatly. 

"...Oh. How about this one? It's in English." 

"Felicia," Jon said, blushing through his fur. 

"Hyroglyphics. I can't read that, either," Q-Bee said. 

"Pyron," Anakaris bellowed. Pyron looked puzzled as he opened the gift and found a really nice-looking necklece. Anakaris peered menacingly as Pyron put it on and was immediately turned into a camel. "Ahhh... cursed jewelery," laughed the mummy as the camel-Pyron tried to spit angrily at the large Darkstalker. Two more Darkstalkers fought. 

"Japanese," Q-Bee announced. 

"Chinese," Mei-Ling corrected. "And it's for Sasquatch." 

"French." 

"Rikuo," Sasquatch announced. 

"For crying out loud... isn't anyone here fluent in all of our languages?!" Hsien-Ko demanded. 

"Huitzil is!" Cecil chirped. 

Lord Raptor peered down at the boy, "Why didn't ya mention that before?!" 

"'Cuz it was funny watching you all screw up..." 

"You stupid li'l...!" the ghoul began. 

"Leave him alone, you ingrate!" Rikuo used this as an excuse to fight the zombie. 

"Fish!" 

"Corpse!" 

While two more Darkstalkers were fighting, Huitzil announced where each present was given. When six Darkstalkers were done breaking each other's bones or spitting upon each other, everyone unwrapped their gifts respectively. Everyone had received at least one good gift since most of the presents ended up being bombs or curses of some sort to try to kill each other. 

Felicia sighed and eyed at the camel-Pyron, "How do you turn him back?" 

"I saw this in a comic once," Lord Raptor, his head clean off his shoulders for now, mentioned. "KWI!" 

"What kind of word is that?!" Rikuo demanded as he started to snap his neck back in place, Pyron poofing back to normal. "That's really shupid!" Pyron then proceeded back to being a camel. 

"Kwi!" 

"Shupid!" 

"Kwi!" 

"STOP IT!" Pyron shrieked. 

"Nice tattoo," Jedah smirked. Pyron grumbled and swore revenge on everyone, just like he and the others always do to each other. 

Everyone eventually went home that day, thankfully in most cases. However, that Christmas night was the night Santa went crazy, thus making Weird Al's Christmas hit... a reality. 

Prepare for Round Two: the Darkstalkers New Years Party.   


_To be continued?!___

_Yeah, probably!___

_---___

**Last Minute Notes:**

The whole camel thing came from Sluggy Freelance, a hilarious comic. Read it here: sluggy.com 

The sequel to this nutty thing: **"Another Year; Crap, I'm Old" **Possibly a little more serious. I haven't done one of those in awhile. Hm. Anyway, Merry Christmas; the sequel will be posted hopefully the night before New Years Eve.   
  



End file.
